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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

- "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?

Strolling through the bar, Bill Gates spotted a lovely young woman sitting alone at a table, and walked over.

"Say, babe, how about coming along and giving me a little head?"

The woman looked up. "That'll be the day."

Undaunted, Bill said, "Well then, how about coming to my apartment and screwing like rabbits?"

Snickering, the woman said, "That'll be the day!"

"Okay," Bill said. "How about taking my limo to my private jet, flying to Tahiti, and spending the weekend on my private beach?"

The woman looked up and smiled at him, saying, "THIS'LL be the day!"

While acting in a movie in Texas, Marilyn Monroe was very sick and tired of the food being served on the set. She decided to go into town and sample some Texas food. She saw a restaurant called "The Texas Deli." She went in and asked about their special food, if any. The gentleman behind the counter replied, "Well, ma'am, we are known all over for our delicious matzo ball soup!"

"I'll try it," she replied.

The gentleman returned with a steaming bowl of rich chicken soup with two of the biggest matzo balls, ever seen. She had a little taste, and then she finished the soup down to the last drop.

At that point, she looked up and said, "Sir, this is the best soup I've ever had. What kind of animal did you say those balls were from?"

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"

Jerry Jones was so disappointed in the Cowboy season results, that he sent Barry Switzer on a fact-finding survey of the more successful NFL coaches to see what their secret to success was.

When Barry talked to 49er Coach Mariucchi, his rival told him his secret was in the intelligence and knowledge of his players. As an example, he called QB Steve Young over and asked him: "Who is your father's brother's nephew?" Without batting an eyelash, Young replies: "Why coach, that's me!"

Buoyed by this momentous finding, Barry hurried home to Valley Ranch. Upon seeing the first player he encounters, who else should it be than the strutting and proud Michael Irvin. Barry asks his star wide receiver: ""Who is your father's brother's nephew?" Well, Irvin thinks it over and cannot come up with an answer, but he shiftily says to Switzer: "Give me a moment to ask someone who knows!" Rushing into the locker room, Irvin snags QB Troy Aikman and asks him the same question.

Troy, of course answers, "That's me!" Armed with this bit of information, Irvin rushes back to Barry and replies: "I've got the answer coach, it's Troy!"

"No! No! No! you idiot!" screams Barry in reply. "It's Steve Young!"

After his State of the Union Address, Bill Clinton went jogging the next morning. When he came to the Washington Monument, he said, "George, what should I do?"

After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly, he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"

After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad.

The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done."

So, the Pope head-butted her.

Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best."

"I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how - head on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it."

After insulting a female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos made a wish to wake up with three women in his bed. The annoyed genie says "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.

The next morning, Carlos woke up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no health insurance.

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit and they remained friends until Benny died.

One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread. "I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said, "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

Marc Bolan, a great friend of Elton John's, died tragically young in a car crash.

Freddie Mercury, a great friend of Elton John's was sadly taken from us by AIDS.

Gianni Versace, a great friend of Elton John's, was cruelly cut down in the prime of his life.

And the Princess of Wales, so recently seen comforting Elton John at Versace's funeral, has been stolen from us.

I'll tell you what, if I was George Michael I'd be shitting myself!

Abraham Lincoln was awakened in the middle of the night by an insensitive bureaucrat who informed the president that one of Lincoln's appointees to a high government post and close personal friend had died hours before. "Can I take his place?" the bureaucrat blurted out.

Lincoln calmly replied, "If it's alright with the undertaker, it's alright with me."

Word started getting out about Snow White's mirror and people really started getting the idea of wanting to inquire of the mirror themselves.

Sleeping Beauty wanted to know if she really was the most beautiful of all.

Tom Thumb wanted to make sure he really was the smallest person.

Quasimodo wanted to know that he was the ugliest. So, they each went before the mirror.

As Sleeping Beauty was leaving she said "Oh, I really am the most beautiful of all!"

As Tom Thumb left he was quite pleased to know that he is indeed the smallest of all.

As Quasimodo left, he exclaimed "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.

Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy and said, "I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor."

Cindy said, "Okay."

The guy said, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?"

Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, "Sure, you can borrow my eyebrow pencil."

The guy then said, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a moustache on you?"

Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, "Okay."

Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you to look more like a man."

Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says, "Well I guess so."

Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"

Cindy, very dejected, says, "I guess not."

So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, "Fred, you won't believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!"

George Washington, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

"No, Dad."

"I think you are lying."

"No, no, no! I swear I did not chop down the cherry tree."

"Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

"Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground. To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock. What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did I go get my ax to chop off individual branches. So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw cut on the stump and the ax cuts on the branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to return our attention to a solid family relationship."

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a five iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. A Jesus step up to tee off, but His drive slices badly and lands on an island in the middle of a water hazard. Jesus calmly walks across the water to take his next shot.

"Jesus!" yells Palmer, "Who do you think you are, Jack Nicklaus?"

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it
considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."